You are currently browsing the tag archive for the ‘self-judgment’ tag.

woman's faceWanna know why it’s so hard to treat yourself nicely? (aka ‘do self-care’)

Self-Care implies that there is something “wrong” or “broken” about a person. Think about it… when you CARE for someone it’s because they are less than 100% in some capacity.

In my world that’s NO-NO #1!

BIG SECRET: There is nothing wrong with you.

The moment we think there is something wrong with us, that we are “incomplete” or “not whole” in someway, we judge ourselves, belittle ourselves, feel guilty.

It may lead us to make changes. But how often do those changes stick? Statistics show…not long.

But then comes a vicious cycle. You fail, you don’t feel good about yourself. You judge yourself and then give up all together. Right? That’s why self-care doesn’t work.

Do this instead…See Yourself As Whole And Complete.

So do that. Right now. Decide to see yourself as completely whole. 100%. If you sit down right now and take a deep breath, you’ll notice that you are alive. You can’t be alive if you aren’t whole.

Congratulations, girlfriend. You are WHOLE!

Now, the second step is to acknowledge this…

Everything is the way it is, NOT because you aren’t complete [read: good enough, skinny enough, pretty enough, smart enough], but simply because the choices you have made so far haven’t served who you want to be.

Let’s recap:
Step 1: Decide to see yourself as WHOLE. You are complete.
Step 2: Acknowledge that up until now a lot of the choices you’ve made in your life haven’t served who you want to be.

If you’ve gotten this far, you might be thinking, Okay, now what?…
The choices you’ve made up until now have served who you think you are. Not who you really are.

Here’s what it might have looked like in the past:

You decide you want to lose weight so you start to eat less and exercise more. Probably you’re also secretly telling yourself “Oh gosh, this is going to be hard. I’ve got too much to lose…it will never come off. I am SO not a healthy eater. I do NOT exercise. I’m going to hate this.”

You do really well for the first couple days…even the first couple of weeks…but then something happens and it all falls to pieces. You blame the holidays, your busy schedule, your family, or whatever. Am I close?

At first glance it may look like you were right… your weight will never come off. But let’s look at it again. Failure is built in from the start.

How? Motive. Most people’s motive to make a change in their life is based on who they are not…instead of who they want to be. We chose to lose weight because we don’t like who we are…

You’re not a skinny super model so you have to lose weight. You’re not the millionaire mommy so you have to make more money. You aren’t this so you have to do that.

No wonder people aren’t making changes that stick!
Here’s the new way…

Start with who you want to be (aka who you truly are) and go from there. Right now. Write down who you want to be.

Go on…I’ll wait right here.

beep…

bop…

boop…

Did you write down who you want to be DESPITE any “you can’t do that”, “it’s going to be too hard”, “that’ll never happen” talk in your head?

Yes? Great!

No? Don’t worry. I’m about to dish it up in bite-size pieces.

It’s important that who you want to be lines up with who you truly are. I learned this last weekend at a super powerful training on finding our Divine Purpose.

If you want to know more about what ‘divine purpose’ means, email me now: lee(at)leesirwin(dot)com

Check your motive before we move on. Is it naughty or nice?

Now… make a list of 10 things you’ll do once you have become that person.

Here’s what I mean…
Motive: “I’m moving toward having a healthy, strong body”
(so I can go on long walks with my husband and feel like going out with my girlfriends on the weekend)

When I’m a healthier, stronger woman, I’ll…
1) Be active 4 times a week with my children
2) Go on long walks with my husband twice a week
3) Play my favorite dance tunes (and wiggle) while I’m cooking dinner
4) Thank my body for all the ways it has loved me over the years
… all the way up to 10

Sweet! Look at the list. Which ones can you already do (be) now? Today? This week? You’ve got a List that has real Self-Care infused into it!

Nice! That’s your Brighten-Up Tip for this week. Pick one thing you’ll practice, based on who you want to be vs. who are think you are.

To knowing there’s nothing wrong with us, and never has been…

Lee

P.S. – Want to know more about “who you want to be = who you truly are”? E-mail me now: lee(at)leesirwin(dot)com

This message from a coaching client came to my inbox today, 

She gave me the go-ahead to share it with you.

Lee, may I sit in the confessional for a minute? No, nothing really horrible, just embarrassing.

CONFESSION:

I’m trying to tie up loose ends before I leave on a long trip. I’ve been going through paperwork.  Straightening, cleaning, organizing, tossing, filing, giving away.

Completing paperwork is not my best habit.

I found three envelopes from American Express. Two looked like bills, and the other one looked like a letter. I was mortified – but not totally surprised.  A part of me wanted to look the other way, to stuff it, ignore it. I couldn’t even remember using that credit card in months. It’s my emergency card.

I was so mad at myself for not opening the envelopes. I didn’t even want to open them up. Didn’t want to face my lack of organization. I decided to get it over with quickly – like ripping off a band-aid.

I got the checkbook, wrote out everything but the amount, got the stamps, then opened the first envelope gingerly. Just enough to see the amount so I could get it over with quickly. The amount was zero.

ZERO.

So, I opened the next envelope. It was negative  $147.10. I guess I had overpaid at some point. Then, with my stomach not feeling quite as bad, I opened the third envelope. Inside I found a check to me for $147.10.

I ripped up the check I’d written, then ripped up the ‘bills’.

Okay, dear ones – there are so many goodies in this story. For starters…

  •         Getting organized has hidden rewards.
  •         Who I am is not determined by the areas I think need improvement.
  •          Stop assuming the worst about myself. If I don’t do that to other people, why do it to myself?

Think for a moment about something you’re blaming yourself for.

Is there any good reason to keep yourself on the hook?

What might happen if you applied a homeopathic drop of forgiveness (aka LOVE) to it?

Masks

In a local book group, we are reading Women, Food and God – An Unexpected Path to Almost Everything by Geneen Roth.

Roth writes about a retreat she was leading: I asked each person to look in a mirror and tell me what they saw. The litanies of judgments were all very similar. “I can’t stand what I see.”

My body and I are one. There is nothing good about my body and therefore there is nothing good about me.

I asked them to look beyond the color and shape of their eyes and remember what it was like to be a child before they began to label and name the objects in their world. What it was like to see an extravaganza of form and color before they knew it was a rose and could compare it to other roses.

After we discussed last month’s chapter “Beyond What’s Broken” the women in book group gave ourselves a homework assignment: Go home and look at yourself in the mirror for 1 minute each day. Write down any thoughts that come to you. Repeat every day for 30 days.

This seemingly simple task was surprisingly difficult. Some of the women reported that they never look in the mirror. Others said they tried, but gave up. It’s too disheartening to hear the critical tapes running in my head, they said.

I’m curious. Why do we hate to look at ourselves in the mirror? Where does this critical voice come from and why do we listen, let alone hold lifelong conversations with it?

A friend sent me a short video that sheds light on the self-judgment so common to women. I wonder, iss this an issue for men too?

Click here. I hope it helps you take a peek into a new way of seeing yourself.

 http://youtu.be/XpaOjMXyJGk

~~  Challenge this week ~~

Be courageous. Look at your face for 1 minute. Write down what you were thinking during those 60 seconds. Believe me, I know how hard this can be.

Leave a comment here, telling me how this went for you.  I appreciate you for trying it!

Play for Life: A Feel-Good Guide to Boost Your Brain Power, Spark Your Creativity and Inspire More Fun

Do you want to play?

Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email. We will never, ever sell, rent or share your email.

Join 664 other followers

Follow us on Twitter

My Community

%d bloggers like this: